So it has been official for nearly a month now but I feel it’s still relevant to address the fact that I’ve reached the halfway point in my service. It makes complete sense to me, standing here, now why the Peace Corps asks you to commit two full years to service. It took me this long to even get an idea of what I can do if I want to. Granted, that makes it sound like my abilities are fully known and my options are listed on a sheet of paper, which is of course, not even slightly true. I will be learning and developing relationships till the day I leave, that’s just how it goes. But all in all, I feel as though I have command, albeit limited, of the situation. They say during training it takes a year to become fully comfortable; it does. They also say it takes a year to get the Swahili skills; it does not. It takes longer….at least for me. But I am working on it and I do see improvements. But I’m not going to worry about that because I’ve written plenty on that topic.
I had a productive exercise the other day. I took what I feel I can do, and wrote down what projects within that I think I would like to do in the coming year. I came up with a semi-surprisingly attainable list of goals. It was mostly made up of quality education and adding valuable non-academic information about lifestyle and health. But things like develop a library, within a Tanzanian budget, are things that are happening. It made me somewhat reflective on what I have learned while in country, and so I present to you, with no order whatsoever, and a range of sincerity, the things that I think I’ve learned in the last year:
1) Whoever made the connection between cocks crowing and dawn isn’t awake at any other time of day. It doesn’t matter if it’s day, night, or twilight. Those annoying birds will crow at any time, making eating them all the easier.
2) How to study. I used to think I knew what it meant to study, and to some degree I was right. But when I have to teach a concept I’ve never seen before, based in a science I didn’t do so well in, the true meaning of understanding becomes much more apparent. I’ve shared this anecdote several times, but my sitemate Theo and I were once discussing over lunch our preparations for class. In our commenting about the 3-5 textbooks open at a time, working slowly through material to get the details, and the vigorous note taking, I realized that I had truly studied for the first time. They say the third step in learning is teaching, and I believe it 110%. You wont learn more material faster but still effectively than if you’re expected to teach it to 40 kids the next day.
3) I have some really strange hobbies, and very selective commitment to them. In the same way that I could spend hours looking at weather forecasts and stories when I was a kid, I’ve developed, if possible, even further my affinity for transportation planning. Perhaps the time consumption is so high because I don’t have the tools I could potentially acquire in the states to speed up production. But I have filled nearly 100 pages of a workbook with ideas for a transportation plan for Wichita. I do want it to be considered but I recognize the impracticality of it, especially right now. Still, it is satisfying to produce something that, at least when looked at through my biased eyes, would effectively serve, and even develop the community.
4) I just don’t do as well with languages. I am able to learn when I give it effort and use it frequently, but if it is not something I am forced to use every day it can fall by the wayside and I don’t learn via osmosis in the way I can with the sciences. It still takes lots of practice and I have to give the effort, but for now it just seems like a lot more work than it’s worth, given I can get what I need day to day.
5) I really can cook; I just don’t think I want to most of the time. I actually enjoy cooking, when it’s a shared task. It is also quite satisfying to produce an enjoyable meal that is both filling and tasty. The problem is, when it’s just me, cooking for an hour for 10-15 minutes of eating seems not worth it. Therefore I end up with the same pasta every night with the same spices and the same filled but unsatisfied stomach. This should be a fairly limited issue as once I have someone who would get upset by the blandness of my meals, I’ll have someone to help me cook something better!
6) Apparently drugs are even less effective on me than I had previously thought. So I’m taking Mephaquin once a week, which is an anti-malarial medicine. The side effects can include insomnia and vivid dreaming. I know I’m a big guy, but when we arrived in country, we took a large dose to get it into our system. Many people didn’t sleep for two whole days but I actually slept really well considering the fact that I was also suffering from jet lag. Another side effect has been an upset stomach but that has only happened when I took the pill on an empty stomach.
7) Speaking of upset stomachs, they can ruin your day if you’re not careful. My time in country has been somewhat marred by a recurrent digestive issue resulting in abdominal cramping and long stints in the bathroom. At this point, I’ve accepted it as part of the experience and I work around it. I usually can recognize the onset of trouble and take appropriate action. I have yet to have it be a debilitating issue but we’ll see where the adventure goes!
8) Staying in the same theme. Weight loss has been fantastically easy! All you have to do is not eat anything of nutritional value very often and consume all filler foods. It’s worked without any real attempt to control the situation on my end. I eat fairly well on the weekends and I’m still significantly slimmer. I think it’s all the stuff in American food but between my digestive problems and the lack of worthy nutrition in the food I do eat, I have effectively returned my weight to the range I should be.
9) Culture runs so much deeper than ethnic clothing and dance. Maybe this was obvious for other people but I remember a discussion of culture always being accompanied by a picture of some non-Caucasian in ethnic get up doing some sort of dance. Still today, even in Tanzania, tribes who define themselves independently of Tanzanians can be identified by the clothing they wear. Yet, I’m finding cultural differences extend to everything from outlook on life to food preferences. For example, the people of Tanzania are very often fatalists and feel that what happens to them is out of their hands. (Yes Peace Corps I acknowledge you did teach that but I, predictably, didn’t file it away as important). Mungu akipenda (literally translated: if God likes), I will go to school next year. I think in America we would generally agree that that is mostly in our hands to decide and work through but here it really is mostly left up to God. Unfortunately, that approach also removes one from responsibility for failure, as it wasn’t my fault! God just didn’t want it to happen so it didn’t matter how hard I tried. While, there are obviously exceptions to the rule, they also are a culture of reproducing what’s given to them. I have seen a tailor turn down business because he was asked to make a shirt out of cloth that was sewn together as a skirt. it was plenty of cloth but because it wasn’t started from the simple flat sheet he was used to, he was unable to make the shirt.
10) I imitate not innovate. On the same lines as my Tanzanian students, I have a hard time thinking outside the box sometimes. I take what I see as a good idea and I apply it to a situation. My teaching is mostly made up of lecture since my students are a step away from college. Although, when I do try and make the experience more engaging, I find myself reverting to those who taught me and trying to emulate their very successful teaching methods. When I work with my transportation things, I tend to choose the most appropriate already-established idea for the given situation (or at least recently I have, LRT for Wichita notwithstanding :P), not thinking of some creative new system. (Although it could just be that there aren’t better alternatives :P) I recognize being truly innovative is really hard and perhaps beyond me, so I’ll take what I can be good at and further develop those skills.
11) I’m irrationally devoted to things at times. I have finished tv shows and books while I’ve been here just to say that I did. On more than one occasion despite not really enjoying the subject of my attention but I finished it to say I had. I’m not really sure what this says about me as a person, but I find myself wondering why I do it, only to realize three hours later I’m back watching the tv show “to finish it.”
And I’m out of ideas that come immediately to mind. Back to serious, I think it’s easy to look at something like Peace Corps service and see only the few central goals. Teaching school and educating about health issues are the really obvious surface issues. But 2/3 of the point of Peace Corps is cultural exchange and establishing relationships and developing them. Inadvertently, you begin to discover things about yourself which you’re then forced to acknowledge, develop, and utilize. I have my goals for the second half of service, all of which are attainable if I put my mind to it. I have to see the potential places where I can fail and either mitigate the risk or recruit someone else to help where I’d fail. I’m excited about the next 6-8 months with the possibilities, so we’ll see how it goes!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Shadows!
So last week I got my first official taste of being a year older. I hosted shadows for the week from the new class of ed volunteers incoming this year. It was interesting to be on the other side of that exchange for sure. It’s funny, every time I find myself in a position of authority or “power” for lack of a better term, I’m increasingly realizing that there I have nowhere near the command and comfort of the situation that I attribute to those who are in those positions over me. I looked up to the guy I shadowed as some wise volunteer who knew the ins and outs of the situation and really had the situation under control. But for me, while I do generally have a handle on the situation, I definitely don’t have my life in perfect order like his seemed to be back then.
Anyway, the shadow process was extended this year so I had them for a full 7 days. We received them on Sunday evening and then hosted till the next Sunday when they returned. It’s strange to think about how the routine of a volunteer can get kind of overly comfortable. I’m able to walk into my 7:30 am class on Monday with a few notes and the notes I wrote for last year and be comfortable, whereas I could see neither felt like teaching was something they could do without preparation. I know for a fact I felt that way back then so it’s cool to think I have grown in some ways. I’ve always been generally ok with public speaking (although public performance hasn’t always been easy) but once I know my kids I have no worries walking into class. Anyway, the result was a day off on Monday while the shadows grew accustomed to my house and welcomed being generally lazy which hadn’t been an option for several weeks. They also grew accustomed to my cats. When I first got in contact with them, I asked what their cat situation was and both are, of course, allergic. However, Paul was way more so than Veronica and after a night of what I think was actually pretty painful allergies, we tried to set him up in my mattress-less third bed.
Tuesday did result in teaching, which I was glad about. While Peace Corps generally does a good job of preparing their volunteers for teaching, they can sometimes focus only on the lower levels of the system, which is reasonable given the split in volunteers between O and A levels. Therefore, I felt it is important for the shadows to get a chance to stand in front of an A-level classroom and see what the issues are. English, while still a challenge, becomes less of a problem. Presentation of material is much more lecture-like. Creative teaching gives way to solid explanations. While it’s all part of the natural shift to higher level teaching styles, I felt it important to show that difference so they felt more prepared.
Wednesday morning was a little bit of teaching, then a trip to Katie’s site, which in my opinion, has the best view in Tanzania. Unfortunately, the rains are only just starting so the sky was still hazy and not all way visible. It was still enjoyable as we made a feast of bean burgers and lots of toppings! Katie’s dog had apparently acquired a girlfriend. And one of her shadowers developed a love for Chuck! (It’s spreading!)
Thursday was an Ngozi hike with the shadows. I’ll refer you to photos in other posts but it was just as gorgeous as ever! And Friday we went into Mbeya, introducing them to the tastes of Metro cuisine! The rest of the weekend was mostly spent hanging out with various groups of people. As always, the kitchen at Anita’s house was a busy place and everyone chipped in for good food. When everyone gets together in Mbeya it is such an enjoyable atmosphere as everyone lounges with a beer and stories. And we just hang out for hours on end doing very little. Again, I’m starting to feel old. I remember back when I couldn’t understand how my parents would just sit at family gatherings and talk the whole time. Now I’m wondering why they didn’t bring a six pack to share :P It’s just amusing to see how the tables have turned.
So it seemed like a pretty uneventful week, and it most certainly was. Given my excuse that I had to take care of my shadows, and using the fact that they were teaching my classes, my week turned into one big lethargic break. Alas, how I suffer! Anyway, moral of the story: shadows were great and I had a really restful week!
Anyway, the shadow process was extended this year so I had them for a full 7 days. We received them on Sunday evening and then hosted till the next Sunday when they returned. It’s strange to think about how the routine of a volunteer can get kind of overly comfortable. I’m able to walk into my 7:30 am class on Monday with a few notes and the notes I wrote for last year and be comfortable, whereas I could see neither felt like teaching was something they could do without preparation. I know for a fact I felt that way back then so it’s cool to think I have grown in some ways. I’ve always been generally ok with public speaking (although public performance hasn’t always been easy) but once I know my kids I have no worries walking into class. Anyway, the result was a day off on Monday while the shadows grew accustomed to my house and welcomed being generally lazy which hadn’t been an option for several weeks. They also grew accustomed to my cats. When I first got in contact with them, I asked what their cat situation was and both are, of course, allergic. However, Paul was way more so than Veronica and after a night of what I think was actually pretty painful allergies, we tried to set him up in my mattress-less third bed.
Tuesday did result in teaching, which I was glad about. While Peace Corps generally does a good job of preparing their volunteers for teaching, they can sometimes focus only on the lower levels of the system, which is reasonable given the split in volunteers between O and A levels. Therefore, I felt it is important for the shadows to get a chance to stand in front of an A-level classroom and see what the issues are. English, while still a challenge, becomes less of a problem. Presentation of material is much more lecture-like. Creative teaching gives way to solid explanations. While it’s all part of the natural shift to higher level teaching styles, I felt it important to show that difference so they felt more prepared.
Wednesday morning was a little bit of teaching, then a trip to Katie’s site, which in my opinion, has the best view in Tanzania. Unfortunately, the rains are only just starting so the sky was still hazy and not all way visible. It was still enjoyable as we made a feast of bean burgers and lots of toppings! Katie’s dog had apparently acquired a girlfriend. And one of her shadowers developed a love for Chuck! (It’s spreading!)
Thursday was an Ngozi hike with the shadows. I’ll refer you to photos in other posts but it was just as gorgeous as ever! And Friday we went into Mbeya, introducing them to the tastes of Metro cuisine! The rest of the weekend was mostly spent hanging out with various groups of people. As always, the kitchen at Anita’s house was a busy place and everyone chipped in for good food. When everyone gets together in Mbeya it is such an enjoyable atmosphere as everyone lounges with a beer and stories. And we just hang out for hours on end doing very little. Again, I’m starting to feel old. I remember back when I couldn’t understand how my parents would just sit at family gatherings and talk the whole time. Now I’m wondering why they didn’t bring a six pack to share :P It’s just amusing to see how the tables have turned.
So it seemed like a pretty uneventful week, and it most certainly was. Given my excuse that I had to take care of my shadows, and using the fact that they were teaching my classes, my week turned into one big lethargic break. Alas, how I suffer! Anyway, moral of the story: shadows were great and I had a really restful week!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Feeling Successful!
I gave my sleep presentation last night and I would consider it a moderate success! I made a powerpoint because I knew the novelty would attract students, and I used my towel, which was shown to be fairly dirty, as a screen to project on. Unfortunately hanging from a tree it didn't turn out quite as smooth as I would have hoped, but the effect was the same. I suppose this is where I need to thank Theo as he let me borrow the projector for the project.
Anyway, although I think the presentation lacked super engaging qualities beyond the technology, I think it hit its target audience. I found students who freely admitted they sleep 4 hours a night, and by then end they were asking questions about how to ensure they sleep better. I'm not sure I kept everyone interested as I started with essentially the entire A-level population and whittled it down to maybe 30 students by the end of the hour. But those that stayed asked questions for 15-20 minutes and we discussed what they could do to improve sleep and when to worry about waking.
I even got a request for another presentation! So I think the next time we'll do the study skills and time management presentation! Then from there, who knows. Maybe this could even develop into a research education sort of thing where I have students do the research and production, which will help them as they go to universities. We'll see what unfolds but for now, I'm feeling pretty good about the situation :)
Anyway, although I think the presentation lacked super engaging qualities beyond the technology, I think it hit its target audience. I found students who freely admitted they sleep 4 hours a night, and by then end they were asking questions about how to ensure they sleep better. I'm not sure I kept everyone interested as I started with essentially the entire A-level population and whittled it down to maybe 30 students by the end of the hour. But those that stayed asked questions for 15-20 minutes and we discussed what they could do to improve sleep and when to worry about waking.
I even got a request for another presentation! So I think the next time we'll do the study skills and time management presentation! Then from there, who knows. Maybe this could even develop into a research education sort of thing where I have students do the research and production, which will help them as they go to universities. We'll see what unfolds but for now, I'm feeling pretty good about the situation :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A little of this, a little of that
So again I've lapsed on my blogging. I apologize for the gaps, but I'll do my best to bring you up to date. I finished break in mid-October which essentially means for a week I was typing 4-5 exams a day, which in perspective, isn't an issue at all. However, what I'm realizing is that many of the exams could be typed by the teacher who puts them together. So one thing I have considered trying is to do a basic computer education and typing seminar type thing to introduce computers as a resourse in the school. While most teachers in my school have used computers before and have a basic knowledge, it doesn't go far enough to where they can really utilize it to make their lives easier. Granted, having them type their own tests would infringe up responsibilities which have been clearly defined and although it may make sense, it's just not right. Things that are done a certain way are often not to be questioned and are that way for a reason, regardless of our ability to explain that reason. However, on occasion that argument does not apply. I'm still working on figuring out when these things matter and when they don't because, often, there is little rationale, or so it seems to the volunteers.
The biggest news, in the short term at least, is the embracing of my seminar series for student life by my school administration. I have finished preparing my sleep presentation and am really just looking forward to an opportunity to give it. In that process, I asked my headmaster if I could present and he began suggesting not only do we do this, we expand to talk about studying habits and nutrition and everything I had been thinking from day 1!! So, I'm currently focusing on a study habit and time management presentation and looking to present the original sleep presentation. I still have at least two more presentations with one on extracurriculars and creativity and another on nutrition and wellbeing. The issue came up between a sitemate of mine and his students and they admitted it was information they had never heard before. Nutrition is a part of the biology syllabus but often the connections between the books in the classroom and real life are lost on the students. So that project is alive, and honestly, doing much better than I expected!
Finally, I'm getting back into reading. I've recently been watching shows and working through them. One downside of having several seasons is a commitment to watch a show requires strong dedication! I recently have watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (a bit extreme for my tastes, just too ridiculous and edgy most of the time), How I Met Your Mother (enjoyably entertaining, but somewhat mindless), and Sports Night (a witty comedy that does a good job of blending the real and the hilarious). The downside to this is that I haven't read as much. I just finished the first book of the Uplift Triology, which is the 4th book in the series. It finally got quite interesting in the final pages (which is not a good ratio considering there were 659 of them) as my favorite story from book 2 comes back to play a prominant part. But now I've decided to take a short break. Due to a limited time opportunity (in other words, someone else wants the book) I've began to read the book The God Delusion. Just as it sounds, it's a book written by an athiest about why religion is a bad thing. Acknowledging that I've only read maybe 25 pages, he brings up some very good (and often ugly) points about religion as a whole, but I find myself feeling he assumes any truely rational thought will give the reader only his conclusion about the situation. And if it does not, it is somehow misguided by the force fed religion of our previous generations. Granted, he admits to writing the book as a rallying cry to athiests so it is reasonable to expect it to be a solid voice advocating that ideology. I think it will be interesting to read on and see if there are new arguments to be delt with or if all his scientific evidence will be made up of ideas I have already encountered.
Inevitably, I have more I could say, but I'll wait for another post. I'm getting tired and my bed looks awfully inviting! Anyway, I hope things are going well wherever you are!
The biggest news, in the short term at least, is the embracing of my seminar series for student life by my school administration. I have finished preparing my sleep presentation and am really just looking forward to an opportunity to give it. In that process, I asked my headmaster if I could present and he began suggesting not only do we do this, we expand to talk about studying habits and nutrition and everything I had been thinking from day 1!! So, I'm currently focusing on a study habit and time management presentation and looking to present the original sleep presentation. I still have at least two more presentations with one on extracurriculars and creativity and another on nutrition and wellbeing. The issue came up between a sitemate of mine and his students and they admitted it was information they had never heard before. Nutrition is a part of the biology syllabus but often the connections between the books in the classroom and real life are lost on the students. So that project is alive, and honestly, doing much better than I expected!
Finally, I'm getting back into reading. I've recently been watching shows and working through them. One downside of having several seasons is a commitment to watch a show requires strong dedication! I recently have watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (a bit extreme for my tastes, just too ridiculous and edgy most of the time), How I Met Your Mother (enjoyably entertaining, but somewhat mindless), and Sports Night (a witty comedy that does a good job of blending the real and the hilarious). The downside to this is that I haven't read as much. I just finished the first book of the Uplift Triology, which is the 4th book in the series. It finally got quite interesting in the final pages (which is not a good ratio considering there were 659 of them) as my favorite story from book 2 comes back to play a prominant part. But now I've decided to take a short break. Due to a limited time opportunity (in other words, someone else wants the book) I've began to read the book The God Delusion. Just as it sounds, it's a book written by an athiest about why religion is a bad thing. Acknowledging that I've only read maybe 25 pages, he brings up some very good (and often ugly) points about religion as a whole, but I find myself feeling he assumes any truely rational thought will give the reader only his conclusion about the situation. And if it does not, it is somehow misguided by the force fed religion of our previous generations. Granted, he admits to writing the book as a rallying cry to athiests so it is reasonable to expect it to be a solid voice advocating that ideology. I think it will be interesting to read on and see if there are new arguments to be delt with or if all his scientific evidence will be made up of ideas I have already encountered.
Inevitably, I have more I could say, but I'll wait for another post. I'm getting tired and my bed looks awfully inviting! Anyway, I hope things are going well wherever you are!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Sometimes you're ahead. Sometimes you're behind. The race is long. But in the end it's only with yourself."
I have frequently caught myself saying that all the growth people told me would happen to me in college, has more effectively occurred here in the Peace Corps for me. Granted the next question following that is usually along the lines of “what has changed?” Well, then starts the stuttering and the blank mind because putting it into words is often more difficult than I expect. But perhaps it’s not that I’ve changed so much as I’ve become more self aware, and ideally in most situations more confident.
One place where my confidence still lacks is in putting myself into a situation where I have the potential to, at least in my eyes, embarrass myself. I suppose if we looked back in the crystal ball or through some psychological analysis we could come to various events in my development that impeded my growth as a confident outgoing individual. The most obvious was a certain picture of me in clothing not appropriate to my gender that got to school and was that quintessential gaffe that someone becomes known for. I really feel as though it was some time earlier as I can recall those concerns before then, but in elementary school I remember often feeling exceedingly confident and capable, which was, in hindsight, a product of my ability to digest information very quickly. When I was young (haha I’m 23 so that’s kind of a ridiculous statement but you know what I mean), I learned very quickly and so I think I probably was a step ahead of most that surrounded me, which would naturally give anyone confidence. However, I think my early successes did not develop in me an ability to bounce back, for lack of a better way to say it. So as I grew up, I continued to get myself into the company of people who I would consider truly brilliant. Yet I failed to see that while I was not the smartest, best, or most capable, I was absolutely not the other end in any categories. I just failed to see beyond the first part. IB, orchestra, athletics, all of which carried over to college at Cornell where there are herds of geniuses running around. Even now, in Peace Corps, the people here come from a slice of America that is…impressive, at the very least. Just considering these peoples’ secondary education achievements and it is quite the group of individuals. Anyway, I set a high bar for myself, but when I fail to clear the bar, I never really deal with it. I just kind of feel sad for a little while, think self-deprecating thoughts, and sit with my tail between my legs before moving on to the next thing and put it out of my mind.
I’m curious to know what that might have lost me. I think as a musician I was only as good as my concern for failure would let me be. I hate(d) solos because it was me and my warts for all to see where as the further into a group I was the better I felt. I know for a fact my best quality viola playing was in a massive orchestra where I was completely covered. Yet somehow I couldn’t translate that quality to when I would play alone, and that made it all the harder to keep my confidence at a level even basic skills needed to succeed. Vocally, I was much more comfortable and that allowed me to do things like Madrigals. Still, when it came time for me to sing alone in front of a piano, or heaven forbid, in front of the auditorium, I got extremely nervous, to the point where it was difficult to do things that were automatic at most times.
I suppose I could also list the number of relationships that didn’t, or at least couldn’t, happen due to my lack of confidence. I’m fairly certain at least one relationship I had was sabotaged by my lack of self-confidence. And I had several situations when a less concerned person would put himself out there. But despite myself, I’m in a very good place on that front! Since I tried so hard to avoid getting myself into a situation where I could get hurt, I waited until I couldn’t not pursue the relationship and it has worked out wonderfully.
Anyway, to get where this is going, I’ve found my new confidence dependent issue. Language. Somehow, standing in front of a classroom teaching material I learned the night before is not a huge concern for me. However, I can’t deny that the teaching profession is in my blood so maybe I have some help in that department. But my language ability is less than what it should be and even with effort to practice grammar and improve vocabulary, I’m way behind. I have all these excuses ready to flow out for why I don’t understand when all my peers seem to do better than me with the language. My host family spoke mostly English, I teach in English, I don’t live in a situation where I even have to speak English, and the current hot one, it’s easier if they speak so there isn’t confusion so I’ll stand in the back. The reality, however, is that I just don’t try as hard as I should and I don’t try because I’m worried what will happen when I make a mistake. I’m not really sure how to correct this fault of mine but being aware that it is often a problem far greater than trying and failing is a first step. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have agreed with that statement in the past, but I would have found some excuse for why it didn’t apply in that situation. I would rather not ruin a good friendship, or I don’t want to say something offensive. I can’t say I know what I need to do now, or every situation will be met with the appropriate internal preparation, but I do need to deal with this. When it makes me avoid buying wood for months because I’m worried about vocabulary I need to do something. And today I did AND I said something that made absolutely no sense. But I laugh about it, and learn. And tomorrow, I’m that much better a Swahili speaker.
All in all I realize this is cliché. Yet, it’s a battle I constantly wage….still. I’m sure, now, it will be one I fight for the duration of my life, but maybe putting myself here in a world where my ability to survive is tied to doing things that make me uncomfortable will prove to myself I can do whatever it is that makes me so nervous.
One place where my confidence still lacks is in putting myself into a situation where I have the potential to, at least in my eyes, embarrass myself. I suppose if we looked back in the crystal ball or through some psychological analysis we could come to various events in my development that impeded my growth as a confident outgoing individual. The most obvious was a certain picture of me in clothing not appropriate to my gender that got to school and was that quintessential gaffe that someone becomes known for. I really feel as though it was some time earlier as I can recall those concerns before then, but in elementary school I remember often feeling exceedingly confident and capable, which was, in hindsight, a product of my ability to digest information very quickly. When I was young (haha I’m 23 so that’s kind of a ridiculous statement but you know what I mean), I learned very quickly and so I think I probably was a step ahead of most that surrounded me, which would naturally give anyone confidence. However, I think my early successes did not develop in me an ability to bounce back, for lack of a better way to say it. So as I grew up, I continued to get myself into the company of people who I would consider truly brilliant. Yet I failed to see that while I was not the smartest, best, or most capable, I was absolutely not the other end in any categories. I just failed to see beyond the first part. IB, orchestra, athletics, all of which carried over to college at Cornell where there are herds of geniuses running around. Even now, in Peace Corps, the people here come from a slice of America that is…impressive, at the very least. Just considering these peoples’ secondary education achievements and it is quite the group of individuals. Anyway, I set a high bar for myself, but when I fail to clear the bar, I never really deal with it. I just kind of feel sad for a little while, think self-deprecating thoughts, and sit with my tail between my legs before moving on to the next thing and put it out of my mind.
I’m curious to know what that might have lost me. I think as a musician I was only as good as my concern for failure would let me be. I hate(d) solos because it was me and my warts for all to see where as the further into a group I was the better I felt. I know for a fact my best quality viola playing was in a massive orchestra where I was completely covered. Yet somehow I couldn’t translate that quality to when I would play alone, and that made it all the harder to keep my confidence at a level even basic skills needed to succeed. Vocally, I was much more comfortable and that allowed me to do things like Madrigals. Still, when it came time for me to sing alone in front of a piano, or heaven forbid, in front of the auditorium, I got extremely nervous, to the point where it was difficult to do things that were automatic at most times.
I suppose I could also list the number of relationships that didn’t, or at least couldn’t, happen due to my lack of confidence. I’m fairly certain at least one relationship I had was sabotaged by my lack of self-confidence. And I had several situations when a less concerned person would put himself out there. But despite myself, I’m in a very good place on that front! Since I tried so hard to avoid getting myself into a situation where I could get hurt, I waited until I couldn’t not pursue the relationship and it has worked out wonderfully.
Anyway, to get where this is going, I’ve found my new confidence dependent issue. Language. Somehow, standing in front of a classroom teaching material I learned the night before is not a huge concern for me. However, I can’t deny that the teaching profession is in my blood so maybe I have some help in that department. But my language ability is less than what it should be and even with effort to practice grammar and improve vocabulary, I’m way behind. I have all these excuses ready to flow out for why I don’t understand when all my peers seem to do better than me with the language. My host family spoke mostly English, I teach in English, I don’t live in a situation where I even have to speak English, and the current hot one, it’s easier if they speak so there isn’t confusion so I’ll stand in the back. The reality, however, is that I just don’t try as hard as I should and I don’t try because I’m worried what will happen when I make a mistake. I’m not really sure how to correct this fault of mine but being aware that it is often a problem far greater than trying and failing is a first step. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have agreed with that statement in the past, but I would have found some excuse for why it didn’t apply in that situation. I would rather not ruin a good friendship, or I don’t want to say something offensive. I can’t say I know what I need to do now, or every situation will be met with the appropriate internal preparation, but I do need to deal with this. When it makes me avoid buying wood for months because I’m worried about vocabulary I need to do something. And today I did AND I said something that made absolutely no sense. But I laugh about it, and learn. And tomorrow, I’m that much better a Swahili speaker.
All in all I realize this is cliché. Yet, it’s a battle I constantly wage….still. I’m sure, now, it will be one I fight for the duration of my life, but maybe putting myself here in a world where my ability to survive is tied to doing things that make me uncomfortable will prove to myself I can do whatever it is that makes me so nervous.
Monday, October 11, 2010
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day....
I had an interesting experience today. So this past weekend, after a 2 night stay at Matema Beach, I found my way back home with about 5000 shillingi to spare which was all part of my plan to limit my spending. Although, frequently not taking a lot of money just turns into more excessive borrowing but I like to think it instills some frugality that would otherwise be lacking. Anyway, my fortune in being near an ATM allows me to extend my wallet somewhat in that I can refill the immediate wallet with the bigger bank wallet in less than 5 minutes. However, this also depends on the ATM functioning, which in any western world country would be a valid assumption, but as you might have noticed, I am not in the western world. Therefore, the ATMs break down with some frequency and Sunday night happened to be one of those nights. Compounding that problem was my friends’ needs to travel places either that night or the next day and they had essentially no money themselves. Therefore, my 5000 shillingi went to travel expenses for the friends and I was left with about 400 shillingi in change. Not to worry! I had a just eaten a small pack of spaghetti and a sauce made of my spices and some oil. I also had a couple slices of bread.
Ok, so fastforward 18 hours. I figure when I start getting hungry I can go out to get money then food today. Well, that didn’t quite go as planned as the ATMs were out of money today. At this point, my food intake has been about 2 slices of bread dipped in some olive oil for the last 22-24 hours, not entirely as planned but fixable when the ATM is working. But alas, it is not. So, my friend Linda and I scrape together 1000 shillings between us. I have an avocado and an onion at home, so we decide to buy chapati (basically tortillas) and make some rudimentary guacamole for food. With 2 and a half small-plate-sized chapati and maybe 4 spoonfuls of guacamole, I am now satiated for the short term. However, given the money situation, I’m not sure what I am going to be able to do. I do have a couple potatoes, so I wont starve, but after that, if the ATM doesn’t work tomorrow? Well, fortunately, we were able to go back to the ATM a bit ago and I’m happy to say they are restocked and we were able to take out money. However, I can’t remember a situation where I was literally out of food and out of money to the point where I was worried about where my next meal would come from.
Now, at this point, a lot of people would point out that many people here in Africa do live that way, and maybe that number is larger than what I see, but I find that it’s not the situation most frequently found here. Granted, a caveat for me is that I live in quite possibly one of the most fertile valleys in the country, and perhaps the continent or even the world. Growing food here is not hard. With the frequency of rain and the rich volcanic soil, sustaining yourself is as simple as throwing seeds out back. What we do have here, and it is present even in my school, is malnutrition and an unbalanced diet. People here can afford food to sustain them. Maize grows at least as fast as the weeds here and they ground that up into the country’s favorite dish: ugali. Imagine a cornbread batter that’s half cooked and that’s kind of the idea of ugali. The problem is it is ALL filler. It has almost no nutritional value in terms of vitamins and minerals etc. Yet that is the base of every meal here, then you add beans and maybe some greens, which gives you malnutritioned kids with full stomachs. It’s interesting, the biology syllabus in school is supposed to teach about nutrition and healthy diets, but no one sees that as more than an academic exercise. But then again, why would you try to eat healthy if sickness isn’t a product of what you put in your body but rather God’s will alone.
In my experience, education is what is most needed. Education that eating a balanced nutritious meal will save you time and money in the long term with better health even if it cost a bit more in the short term. Or passing on gardening techniques to maximize the product they get from their land. They know the land produces a lot, so very few question if they can get more out of it. Also, educating in terms of finances would help significantly. In my experience, people do not look long term here. No one begs for seeds for their garden, they beg for a soda, or in even worse cases, alcohol. If they should find a 5000 shillingi bill on the ground, most people would have that mentally spent as 3 beers and a soda. Granted, if I find money on the ground in the states my mind goes to what fun things that would buy pretty quickly. My point is, few people are actually starving, but a lot of people are not healthy and I think don’t think money is the answer to the problem. Now, I’m not trying to dissuade anyone from donating to the International Children’s Fund or whatever charity they feel most directly benefits those in need in the third world, I’m just saying that writing checks will not solve these problems. I suppose that’s easy for me to say as someone without a job or daily responsibilities preventing me from volunteering, but maybe think twice about what your money goes? Does it just go into some third-world government “aid fund” where it can be misused, or does it go to someone doing aid work in the field? Someone who is doing the education and the community work to make a lasting sustainable impact. Just thought I’d offer some food…..for thought :P
Ok, so fastforward 18 hours. I figure when I start getting hungry I can go out to get money then food today. Well, that didn’t quite go as planned as the ATMs were out of money today. At this point, my food intake has been about 2 slices of bread dipped in some olive oil for the last 22-24 hours, not entirely as planned but fixable when the ATM is working. But alas, it is not. So, my friend Linda and I scrape together 1000 shillings between us. I have an avocado and an onion at home, so we decide to buy chapati (basically tortillas) and make some rudimentary guacamole for food. With 2 and a half small-plate-sized chapati and maybe 4 spoonfuls of guacamole, I am now satiated for the short term. However, given the money situation, I’m not sure what I am going to be able to do. I do have a couple potatoes, so I wont starve, but after that, if the ATM doesn’t work tomorrow? Well, fortunately, we were able to go back to the ATM a bit ago and I’m happy to say they are restocked and we were able to take out money. However, I can’t remember a situation where I was literally out of food and out of money to the point where I was worried about where my next meal would come from.
Now, at this point, a lot of people would point out that many people here in Africa do live that way, and maybe that number is larger than what I see, but I find that it’s not the situation most frequently found here. Granted, a caveat for me is that I live in quite possibly one of the most fertile valleys in the country, and perhaps the continent or even the world. Growing food here is not hard. With the frequency of rain and the rich volcanic soil, sustaining yourself is as simple as throwing seeds out back. What we do have here, and it is present even in my school, is malnutrition and an unbalanced diet. People here can afford food to sustain them. Maize grows at least as fast as the weeds here and they ground that up into the country’s favorite dish: ugali. Imagine a cornbread batter that’s half cooked and that’s kind of the idea of ugali. The problem is it is ALL filler. It has almost no nutritional value in terms of vitamins and minerals etc. Yet that is the base of every meal here, then you add beans and maybe some greens, which gives you malnutritioned kids with full stomachs. It’s interesting, the biology syllabus in school is supposed to teach about nutrition and healthy diets, but no one sees that as more than an academic exercise. But then again, why would you try to eat healthy if sickness isn’t a product of what you put in your body but rather God’s will alone.
In my experience, education is what is most needed. Education that eating a balanced nutritious meal will save you time and money in the long term with better health even if it cost a bit more in the short term. Or passing on gardening techniques to maximize the product they get from their land. They know the land produces a lot, so very few question if they can get more out of it. Also, educating in terms of finances would help significantly. In my experience, people do not look long term here. No one begs for seeds for their garden, they beg for a soda, or in even worse cases, alcohol. If they should find a 5000 shillingi bill on the ground, most people would have that mentally spent as 3 beers and a soda. Granted, if I find money on the ground in the states my mind goes to what fun things that would buy pretty quickly. My point is, few people are actually starving, but a lot of people are not healthy and I think don’t think money is the answer to the problem. Now, I’m not trying to dissuade anyone from donating to the International Children’s Fund or whatever charity they feel most directly benefits those in need in the third world, I’m just saying that writing checks will not solve these problems. I suppose that’s easy for me to say as someone without a job or daily responsibilities preventing me from volunteering, but maybe think twice about what your money goes? Does it just go into some third-world government “aid fund” where it can be misused, or does it go to someone doing aid work in the field? Someone who is doing the education and the community work to make a lasting sustainable impact. Just thought I’d offer some food…..for thought :P
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
28 Miles, 3 days, 2 Peaks
One of the goals of Peace Corps is to have the American volunteers experience their host country and bring it back to America. In fact, two of the three goals of PC are simply cultural exchange on the part of the volunteer. Part of that process is seeing what your community has to offer. Now, granted, what I, as a westerner, want to see and what the local community wants to see seem vastly different. In Mbeya, we have a long list of quite impressive natural wonders and, in my experience, I’ve seen at least twice as many of them as my fellow Tanzanians. Perhaps this is a work issue, where we have defined off days but the pattern here seems to be just take a little time off each day. Or maybe it’s just an appreciation thing. I can understand how the work required to get to some of these sites is not worth the effort if you’re not terribly interested. Anyway, given that this week is as complete a break as we have in Tanzania, as all forms were off school (save form 4 who are taking their national exam but that doesn’t involve me at all), it was (technically still is!) the perfect week for outdoor activities. I completed two hikes, Ngozi Crater Lake and Rungwe Mountain. According to Google Earth, the land that I walked over during those three days amounted to 28 miles, 24-25 of which was in two distinct hikes. Needless to say I’m quite sore and my feet don’t want to touch the ground.
Saturday we took a coaster to the stop on the side of the road, where we began the Ngozi hike. It is a substantial walk on a dirt road before finding a path off into the forest. Walking along this path continues for 45 minutes or so before coming to a staging area of sorts and the path continues, in much smaller form up the side of the mountain. The first time we did this, which was outside of hiking season, we were required to push through vegetation that was in our way, while this time the path was very clear. I suppose that money that we pay to enter really does get some of the path cleared. Anyway, after rising for maybe 30 minutes you walk along with ups and downs, with understandably more ups, until you reach the overlook. At this point you can see the entire lake within the crater. The area looks like some untouched oasis, and to some degree it is. The last time we did this, however, we didn’t get to go down into the crater, while this time we figured it out. Of course, descending 200m in a short distance requires a lot of climbing, but there is a path and plenty of vines and roots. It felt very Tarzan. Then at the lake shore we sat for a while, throwing volcanic rocks into the water and watching them float. After a while, we climbed back to the overlook and returned to the road. All in all, that day was around 9 miles of hiking.
The final climb up to the rim:
Saturday we took a coaster to the stop on the side of the road, where we began the Ngozi hike. It is a substantial walk on a dirt road before finding a path off into the forest. Walking along this path continues for 45 minutes or so before coming to a staging area of sorts and the path continues, in much smaller form up the side of the mountain. The first time we did this, which was outside of hiking season, we were required to push through vegetation that was in our way, while this time the path was very clear. I suppose that money that we pay to enter really does get some of the path cleared. Anyway, after rising for maybe 30 minutes you walk along with ups and downs, with understandably more ups, until you reach the overlook. At this point you can see the entire lake within the crater. The area looks like some untouched oasis, and to some degree it is. The last time we did this, however, we didn’t get to go down into the crater, while this time we figured it out. Of course, descending 200m in a short distance requires a lot of climbing, but there is a path and plenty of vines and roots. It felt very Tarzan. Then at the lake shore we sat for a while, throwing volcanic rocks into the water and watching them float. After a while, we climbed back to the overlook and returned to the road. All in all, that day was around 9 miles of hiking.
The final climb up to the rim:
The view from the outlook:
Climbing down to the shore:
At the lake shore:
Sunday I took off to recover, for the most part. I did have to hike to a friend’s house to start prepare for the Rungwe hike, which was another 2 miles or so. But I felt reasonably recovered by the time we left Monday morning and headed up the mountain. The Rungwe hike is an interesting one as you start out hiking through modern rural Africa, then get to a less modern rural Africa, then in the matter of about 5 feet you’re in Jungle Africa. It’s kind of amusing because upon entering the forest, you immediately drop down probably 50-75 feet to reach a creek (and yes you can drink from it!). It’s the gorgeous setting with trees everywhere and birds calling. There is an occasional monkey (as rungwe has its own species) but they aren’t always around. Anyway, the upward hike begins and goes on forever it seems. Eventually, the trees thin and you start to get peeks of your surroundings. It’s about this time my stomach seems to realize that it’s out of food. So eating is a priority. Then as the trees continue to thin, they eventually give way to bamboo, which is a really cool setting. After some time in the bamboo, you find yourself in a group of scratchy scrub bushes and the last segment of vegetation. Finally, escaping the bushes, it’s a quick climb to the summit of the peak through short grasses and rocks. All in all it takes between 4-5 hours to get up to the summit. However, this time, my Ngozi weakened legs had to rest quite frequently near the end. At the onset of the bamboo, I had to let Andrew, my hiking partner (yes it was two Andrews hiking together :P) go ahead and I came along at a slower pace. Regardless, it was a lovely hike, and although it was hazy we could see Tukuyu, although not all the way to Lake Malawi. Anyway, after an hour or so we returned to my friends, and then continued to the road to catch a dala dala (remnants of a van that acts as a bus). All in all, that hike was around 17 miles giving me my 28 miles in three days. Thank you Google Earth :P
The bamboo forest:
The view from the top:
The monkey is from my first hike of Rungwe but still quite exciting to see!
And here you can see the hike almost in its entirety. We start just out of the picture to the right and work our way up the ridge on the right side of the picture until reaching the summit.
In other news, there was a massive fire in Tukuyu. Some PC friends and I were visiting an acquaintance that does work in the Tukuyu area and were walking back when we met a group of people on the road who were walking into town saying there was a fire at a hardware store. When we reached the top of the hill in town, you could see red colored smoke rising from main street. The flames were about two stories tall by the time we got there and the entire town, it seemed, was out to watch or empty the stores adjacent to the fire. The experience gave me a new perspective on the dangers of fire. For the first time in my life, I actually could see the fire getting out of control. I’ve seen the forest fires on TV but in real life I’ve always felt like fire was something that could be contained to what it already had affected. Here I could see people scrambling to save whatever they could from a building a block away and I couldn’t argue with their logic because the fire did not seem as though it could be stopped from reaching those buildings. Fortunately, it ran out of fuel before it spread too far and only the hardware store burned, but it was a humbling experience knowing the town was at the mercy of the fire. The firetruck from Mbeya even made an appearance although it was after the fire had subsided to well within control. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone was injured and only one store was lost. The area is already back to normal, just with one less business.
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