"Sometimes you're ahead. Sometimes you're behind. The race is long. But in the end it's only with yourself."

I have frequently caught myself saying that all the growth people told me would happen to me in college, has more effectively occurred here in the Peace Corps for me. Granted the next question following that is usually along the lines of “what has changed?” Well, then starts the stuttering and the blank mind because putting it into words is often more difficult than I expect. But perhaps it’s not that I’ve changed so much as I’ve become more self aware, and ideally in most situations more confident.

One place where my confidence still lacks is in putting myself into a situation where I have the potential to, at least in my eyes, embarrass myself. I suppose if we looked back in the crystal ball or through some psychological analysis we could come to various events in my development that impeded my growth as a confident outgoing individual. The most obvious was a certain picture of me in clothing not appropriate to my gender that got to school and was that quintessential gaffe that someone becomes known for. I really feel as though it was some time earlier as I can recall those concerns before then, but in elementary school I remember often feeling exceedingly confident and capable, which was, in hindsight, a product of my ability to digest information very quickly. When I was young (haha I’m 23 so that’s kind of a ridiculous statement but you know what I mean), I learned very quickly and so I think I probably was a step ahead of most that surrounded me, which would naturally give anyone confidence. However, I think my early successes did not develop in me an ability to bounce back, for lack of a better way to say it. So as I grew up, I continued to get myself into the company of people who I would consider truly brilliant. Yet I failed to see that while I was not the smartest, best, or most capable, I was absolutely not the other end in any categories. I just failed to see beyond the first part. IB, orchestra, athletics, all of which carried over to college at Cornell where there are herds of geniuses running around. Even now, in Peace Corps, the people here come from a slice of America that is…impressive, at the very least. Just considering these peoples’ secondary education achievements and it is quite the group of individuals. Anyway, I set a high bar for myself, but when I fail to clear the bar, I never really deal with it. I just kind of feel sad for a little while, think self-deprecating thoughts, and sit with my tail between my legs before moving on to the next thing and put it out of my mind.

I’m curious to know what that might have lost me. I think as a musician I was only as good as my concern for failure would let me be. I hate(d) solos because it was me and my warts for all to see where as the further into a group I was the better I felt. I know for a fact my best quality viola playing was in a massive orchestra where I was completely covered. Yet somehow I couldn’t translate that quality to when I would play alone, and that made it all the harder to keep my confidence at a level even basic skills needed to succeed. Vocally, I was much more comfortable and that allowed me to do things like Madrigals. Still, when it came time for me to sing alone in front of a piano, or heaven forbid, in front of the auditorium, I got extremely nervous, to the point where it was difficult to do things that were automatic at most times.

I suppose I could also list the number of relationships that didn’t, or at least couldn’t, happen due to my lack of confidence. I’m fairly certain at least one relationship I had was sabotaged by my lack of self-confidence. And I had several situations when a less concerned person would put himself out there. But despite myself, I’m in a very good place on that front! Since I tried so hard to avoid getting myself into a situation where I could get hurt, I waited until I couldn’t not pursue the relationship and it has worked out wonderfully.

Anyway, to get where this is going, I’ve found my new confidence dependent issue. Language. Somehow, standing in front of a classroom teaching material I learned the night before is not a huge concern for me. However, I can’t deny that the teaching profession is in my blood so maybe I have some help in that department. But my language ability is less than what it should be and even with effort to practice grammar and improve vocabulary, I’m way behind. I have all these excuses ready to flow out for why I don’t understand when all my peers seem to do better than me with the language. My host family spoke mostly English, I teach in English, I don’t live in a situation where I even have to speak English, and the current hot one, it’s easier if they speak so there isn’t confusion so I’ll stand in the back. The reality, however, is that I just don’t try as hard as I should and I don’t try because I’m worried what will happen when I make a mistake. I’m not really sure how to correct this fault of mine but being aware that it is often a problem far greater than trying and failing is a first step. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have agreed with that statement in the past, but I would have found some excuse for why it didn’t apply in that situation. I would rather not ruin a good friendship, or I don’t want to say something offensive. I can’t say I know what I need to do now, or every situation will be met with the appropriate internal preparation, but I do need to deal with this. When it makes me avoid buying wood for months because I’m worried about vocabulary I need to do something. And today I did AND I said something that made absolutely no sense. But I laugh about it, and learn. And tomorrow, I’m that much better a Swahili speaker.

All in all I realize this is cliché. Yet, it’s a battle I constantly wage….still. I’m sure, now, it will be one I fight for the duration of my life, but maybe putting myself here in a world where my ability to survive is tied to doing things that make me uncomfortable will prove to myself I can do whatever it is that makes me so nervous.