"Sometimes you're ahead. Sometimes you're behind. The race is long. But in the end it's only with yourself."

I have frequently caught myself saying that all the growth people told me would happen to me in college, has more effectively occurred here in the Peace Corps for me. Granted the next question following that is usually along the lines of “what has changed?” Well, then starts the stuttering and the blank mind because putting it into words is often more difficult than I expect. But perhaps it’s not that I’ve changed so much as I’ve become more self aware, and ideally in most situations more confident.

One place where my confidence still lacks is in putting myself into a situation where I have the potential to, at least in my eyes, embarrass myself. I suppose if we looked back in the crystal ball or through some psychological analysis we could come to various events in my development that impeded my growth as a confident outgoing individual. The most obvious was a certain picture of me in clothing not appropriate to my gender that got to school and was that quintessential gaffe that someone becomes known for. I really feel as though it was some time earlier as I can recall those concerns before then, but in elementary school I remember often feeling exceedingly confident and capable, which was, in hindsight, a product of my ability to digest information very quickly. When I was young (haha I’m 23 so that’s kind of a ridiculous statement but you know what I mean), I learned very quickly and so I think I probably was a step ahead of most that surrounded me, which would naturally give anyone confidence. However, I think my early successes did not develop in me an ability to bounce back, for lack of a better way to say it. So as I grew up, I continued to get myself into the company of people who I would consider truly brilliant. Yet I failed to see that while I was not the smartest, best, or most capable, I was absolutely not the other end in any categories. I just failed to see beyond the first part. IB, orchestra, athletics, all of which carried over to college at Cornell where there are herds of geniuses running around. Even now, in Peace Corps, the people here come from a slice of America that is…impressive, at the very least. Just considering these peoples’ secondary education achievements and it is quite the group of individuals. Anyway, I set a high bar for myself, but when I fail to clear the bar, I never really deal with it. I just kind of feel sad for a little while, think self-deprecating thoughts, and sit with my tail between my legs before moving on to the next thing and put it out of my mind.

I’m curious to know what that might have lost me. I think as a musician I was only as good as my concern for failure would let me be. I hate(d) solos because it was me and my warts for all to see where as the further into a group I was the better I felt. I know for a fact my best quality viola playing was in a massive orchestra where I was completely covered. Yet somehow I couldn’t translate that quality to when I would play alone, and that made it all the harder to keep my confidence at a level even basic skills needed to succeed. Vocally, I was much more comfortable and that allowed me to do things like Madrigals. Still, when it came time for me to sing alone in front of a piano, or heaven forbid, in front of the auditorium, I got extremely nervous, to the point where it was difficult to do things that were automatic at most times.

I suppose I could also list the number of relationships that didn’t, or at least couldn’t, happen due to my lack of confidence. I’m fairly certain at least one relationship I had was sabotaged by my lack of self-confidence. And I had several situations when a less concerned person would put himself out there. But despite myself, I’m in a very good place on that front! Since I tried so hard to avoid getting myself into a situation where I could get hurt, I waited until I couldn’t not pursue the relationship and it has worked out wonderfully.

Anyway, to get where this is going, I’ve found my new confidence dependent issue. Language. Somehow, standing in front of a classroom teaching material I learned the night before is not a huge concern for me. However, I can’t deny that the teaching profession is in my blood so maybe I have some help in that department. But my language ability is less than what it should be and even with effort to practice grammar and improve vocabulary, I’m way behind. I have all these excuses ready to flow out for why I don’t understand when all my peers seem to do better than me with the language. My host family spoke mostly English, I teach in English, I don’t live in a situation where I even have to speak English, and the current hot one, it’s easier if they speak so there isn’t confusion so I’ll stand in the back. The reality, however, is that I just don’t try as hard as I should and I don’t try because I’m worried what will happen when I make a mistake. I’m not really sure how to correct this fault of mine but being aware that it is often a problem far greater than trying and failing is a first step. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have agreed with that statement in the past, but I would have found some excuse for why it didn’t apply in that situation. I would rather not ruin a good friendship, or I don’t want to say something offensive. I can’t say I know what I need to do now, or every situation will be met with the appropriate internal preparation, but I do need to deal with this. When it makes me avoid buying wood for months because I’m worried about vocabulary I need to do something. And today I did AND I said something that made absolutely no sense. But I laugh about it, and learn. And tomorrow, I’m that much better a Swahili speaker.

All in all I realize this is cliché. Yet, it’s a battle I constantly wage….still. I’m sure, now, it will be one I fight for the duration of my life, but maybe putting myself here in a world where my ability to survive is tied to doing things that make me uncomfortable will prove to myself I can do whatever it is that makes me so nervous.

If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day....

I had an interesting experience today. So this past weekend, after a 2 night stay at Matema Beach, I found my way back home with about 5000 shillingi to spare which was all part of my plan to limit my spending. Although, frequently not taking a lot of money just turns into more excessive borrowing but I like to think it instills some frugality that would otherwise be lacking. Anyway, my fortune in being near an ATM allows me to extend my wallet somewhat in that I can refill the immediate wallet with the bigger bank wallet in less than 5 minutes. However, this also depends on the ATM functioning, which in any western world country would be a valid assumption, but as you might have noticed, I am not in the western world. Therefore, the ATMs break down with some frequency and Sunday night happened to be one of those nights. Compounding that problem was my friends’ needs to travel places either that night or the next day and they had essentially no money themselves. Therefore, my 5000 shillingi went to travel expenses for the friends and I was left with about 400 shillingi in change. Not to worry! I had a just eaten a small pack of spaghetti and a sauce made of my spices and some oil. I also had a couple slices of bread.

Ok, so fastforward 18 hours. I figure when I start getting hungry I can go out to get money then food today. Well, that didn’t quite go as planned as the ATMs were out of money today. At this point, my food intake has been about 2 slices of bread dipped in some olive oil for the last 22-24 hours, not entirely as planned but fixable when the ATM is working. But alas, it is not. So, my friend Linda and I scrape together 1000 shillings between us. I have an avocado and an onion at home, so we decide to buy chapati (basically tortillas) and make some rudimentary guacamole for food. With 2 and a half small-plate-sized chapati and maybe 4 spoonfuls of guacamole, I am now satiated for the short term. However, given the money situation, I’m not sure what I am going to be able to do. I do have a couple potatoes, so I wont starve, but after that, if the ATM doesn’t work tomorrow? Well, fortunately, we were able to go back to the ATM a bit ago and I’m happy to say they are restocked and we were able to take out money. However, I can’t remember a situation where I was literally out of food and out of money to the point where I was worried about where my next meal would come from.

Now, at this point, a lot of people would point out that many people here in Africa do live that way, and maybe that number is larger than what I see, but I find that it’s not the situation most frequently found here. Granted, a caveat for me is that I live in quite possibly one of the most fertile valleys in the country, and perhaps the continent or even the world. Growing food here is not hard. With the frequency of rain and the rich volcanic soil, sustaining yourself is as simple as throwing seeds out back. What we do have here, and it is present even in my school, is malnutrition and an unbalanced diet. People here can afford food to sustain them. Maize grows at least as fast as the weeds here and they ground that up into the country’s favorite dish: ugali. Imagine a cornbread batter that’s half cooked and that’s kind of the idea of ugali. The problem is it is ALL filler. It has almost no nutritional value in terms of vitamins and minerals etc. Yet that is the base of every meal here, then you add beans and maybe some greens, which gives you malnutritioned kids with full stomachs. It’s interesting, the biology syllabus in school is supposed to teach about nutrition and healthy diets, but no one sees that as more than an academic exercise. But then again, why would you try to eat healthy if sickness isn’t a product of what you put in your body but rather God’s will alone.

In my experience, education is what is most needed. Education that eating a balanced nutritious meal will save you time and money in the long term with better health even if it cost a bit more in the short term. Or passing on gardening techniques to maximize the product they get from their land. They know the land produces a lot, so very few question if they can get more out of it. Also, educating in terms of finances would help significantly. In my experience, people do not look long term here. No one begs for seeds for their garden, they beg for a soda, or in even worse cases, alcohol. If they should find a 5000 shillingi bill on the ground, most people would have that mentally spent as 3 beers and a soda. Granted, if I find money on the ground in the states my mind goes to what fun things that would buy pretty quickly. My point is, few people are actually starving, but a lot of people are not healthy and I think don’t think money is the answer to the problem. Now, I’m not trying to dissuade anyone from donating to the International Children’s Fund or whatever charity they feel most directly benefits those in need in the third world, I’m just saying that writing checks will not solve these problems. I suppose that’s easy for me to say as someone without a job or daily responsibilities preventing me from volunteering, but maybe think twice about what your money goes? Does it just go into some third-world government “aid fund” where it can be misused, or does it go to someone doing aid work in the field? Someone who is doing the education and the community work to make a lasting sustainable impact. Just thought I’d offer some food…..for thought :P

28 Miles, 3 days, 2 Peaks

One of the goals of Peace Corps is to have the American volunteers experience their host country and bring it back to America. In fact, two of the three goals of PC are simply cultural exchange on the part of the volunteer. Part of that process is seeing what your community has to offer. Now, granted, what I, as a westerner, want to see and what the local community wants to see seem vastly different. In Mbeya, we have a long list of quite impressive natural wonders and, in my experience, I’ve seen at least twice as many of them as my fellow Tanzanians. Perhaps this is a work issue, where we have defined off days but the pattern here seems to be just take a little time off each day. Or maybe it’s just an appreciation thing. I can understand how the work required to get to some of these sites is not worth the effort if you’re not terribly interested. Anyway, given that this week is as complete a break as we have in Tanzania, as all forms were off school (save form 4 who are taking their national exam but that doesn’t involve me at all), it was (technically still is!) the perfect week for outdoor activities. I completed two hikes, Ngozi Crater Lake and Rungwe Mountain. According to Google Earth, the land that I walked over during those three days amounted to 28 miles, 24-25 of which was in two distinct hikes. Needless to say I’m quite sore and my feet don’t want to touch the ground.

Saturday we took a coaster to the stop on the side of the road, where we began the Ngozi hike. It is a substantial walk on a dirt road before finding a path off into the forest. Walking along this path continues for 45 minutes or so before coming to a staging area of sorts and the path continues, in much smaller form up the side of the mountain. The first time we did this, which was outside of hiking season, we were required to push through vegetation that was in our way, while this time the path was very clear. I suppose that money that we pay to enter really does get some of the path cleared. Anyway, after rising for maybe 30 minutes you walk along with ups and downs, with understandably more ups, until you reach the overlook. At this point you can see the entire lake within the crater. The area looks like some untouched oasis, and to some degree it is. The last time we did this, however, we didn’t get to go down into the crater, while this time we figured it out. Of course, descending 200m in a short distance requires a lot of climbing, but there is a path and plenty of vines and roots. It felt very Tarzan. Then at the lake shore we sat for a while, throwing volcanic rocks into the water and watching them float. After a while, we climbed back to the overlook and returned to the road. All in all, that day was around 9 miles of hiking.

The final climb up to the rim:

The view from the outlook:

Climbing down to the shore:

At the lake shore:

Sunday I took off to recover, for the most part. I did have to hike to a friend’s house to start prepare for the Rungwe hike, which was another 2 miles or so. But I felt reasonably recovered by the time we left Monday morning and headed up the mountain. The Rungwe hike is an interesting one as you start out hiking through modern rural Africa, then get to a less modern rural Africa, then in the matter of about 5 feet you’re in Jungle Africa. It’s kind of amusing because upon entering the forest, you immediately drop down probably 50-75 feet to reach a creek (and yes you can drink from it!). It’s the gorgeous setting with trees everywhere and birds calling. There is an occasional monkey (as rungwe has its own species) but they aren’t always around. Anyway, the upward hike begins and goes on forever it seems. Eventually, the trees thin and you start to get peeks of your surroundings. It’s about this time my stomach seems to realize that it’s out of food. So eating is a priority. Then as the trees continue to thin, they eventually give way to bamboo, which is a really cool setting. After some time in the bamboo, you find yourself in a group of scratchy scrub bushes and the last segment of vegetation. Finally, escaping the bushes, it’s a quick climb to the summit of the peak through short grasses and rocks. All in all it takes between 4-5 hours to get up to the summit. However, this time, my Ngozi weakened legs had to rest quite frequently near the end. At the onset of the bamboo, I had to let Andrew, my hiking partner (yes it was two Andrews hiking together :P) go ahead and I came along at a slower pace. Regardless, it was a lovely hike, and although it was hazy we could see Tukuyu, although not all the way to Lake Malawi. Anyway, after an hour or so we returned to my friends, and then continued to the road to catch a dala dala (remnants of a van that acts as a bus). All in all, that hike was around 17 miles giving me my 28 miles in three days. Thank you Google Earth :P

The bamboo forest:

The view from the top:

The monkey is from my first hike of Rungwe but still quite exciting to see!

And here you can see the hike almost in its entirety. We start just out of the picture to the right and work our way up the ridge on the right side of the picture until reaching the summit.

In other news, there was a massive fire in Tukuyu. Some PC friends and I were visiting an acquaintance that does work in the Tukuyu area and were walking back when we met a group of people on the road who were walking into town saying there was a fire at a hardware store. When we reached the top of the hill in town, you could see red colored smoke rising from main street. The flames were about two stories tall by the time we got there and the entire town, it seemed, was out to watch or empty the stores adjacent to the fire. The experience gave me a new perspective on the dangers of fire. For the first time in my life, I actually could see the fire getting out of control. I’ve seen the forest fires on TV but in real life I’ve always felt like fire was something that could be contained to what it already had affected. Here I could see people scrambling to save whatever they could from a building a block away and I couldn’t argue with their logic because the fire did not seem as though it could be stopped from reaching those buildings. Fortunately, it ran out of fuel before it spread too far and only the hardware store burned, but it was a humbling experience knowing the town was at the mercy of the fire. The firetruck from Mbeya even made an appearance although it was after the fire had subsided to well within control. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone was injured and only one store was lost. The area is already back to normal, just with one less business.